The Main Allure
The Main Allure podcast is inspired by the need to tackle the big questions with a healthy dose of humor and authenticity.
Her goal is to inspire and motivate you to embrace who you are in order to attract what you want, because you are the main allure.
The Main Allure
Ep. 5 | Breaking Free: Stop Seeking Approval and Start Trusting Yourself
In this deeply reflective episode, we explore the complex psychology behind validation-seeking behavior and why it's become so prevalent in our digital age. Through relatable examples, I illustrate how social media has intensified our dependence on external validation as well as how we often cling to relationships for the small dopamine hit of self-worth.
The most empowering concept discussed is what I call the "internal confetti celebration"— developing the ability to fully acknowledge and celebrate your achievements even when no one else does.
🎶 Deniece Williams - Free
Welcome to the Main Allure podcast with your host, Laura. In today's episode, I want to discuss what it means to seek validation, the differences between internal and external validation, how it affects our daily lives and ways we can reduce our dependence on seeking the approval of others. Internal validation is accepting who we are, flaws and all, recognizing our feelings and emotions and acknowledging our thoughts and beliefs, as well as staying true to our values, never wavering from that in order to seek the approval of others. It does help to develop a great deal of confidence. It boosts your self-esteem and, as a result, you don't really care about what people think of you. People may criticize you and it just blows over why? Because you're confident and you're very sure of your self-worth. This usually happens when, let's say, you get a promotion and no one congratulates you, which would be horrible. Or you reach your ideal weight, you've worked out for so long and you're finally there, but no one claps for you. No one says, hey, great job, you're finally there, but no one claps for you. No one says hey, great job. And these reactions, or lack thereof, they won't faze you because this internal confetti celebration is already going on in your head, so you don't even notice. Right Before we continue, I want you to take a minute and think about something that you've achieved recently that perhaps you didn't get the recognition that you wanted out of it, and I want you to clap for yourself. I want you to feel like you have accomplished something great. It could be something as simple as making your bed in the morning, but what I want you to do is to start developing a sense of pride where you know yourself, and it doesn't matter whether someone claps for you or not. You know deep down that you've done something that you're proud of. So let's celebrate that yes, clap for yourself, give yourself a pat on the back and be proud, and be proud Now, on the other hand, external validation, I feel, is the bane of our existence.
Laura:It is something that, ever since social media became a thing, we have become so reliant and so dependent on external validation that we have almost forgotten to look within and understand what gives us value, what gives us a sense of self-worth, and so, in return, we start to look outwards and rely on others to give us that sense of validation, and sometimes it looks like perhaps someone giving you compliments In social media, for example. You see this when people are obsessed with how many likes they get on their posts, on their reels or, you TikTok, whatever, and it becomes a bit of an obsession, almost so. I'll give you an example of how people tend to seek external validation. So imagine that you're on social media and maybe you went on vacation somewhere and, of course, when you're on vacation, you tend to. You know you look your best, your skin is glistening and you're tanned and you're somewhere sunny, hopefully with a beach in the background.
Laura:And so, let's say, you're taking pictures and now you post one of these photos on your social media and, for some reason, people love the photo. Right, everybody's liking your pictures, maybe your previous photos you got, maybe you know five to 10 likes, let's say. But in this case you are getting 20, 30, 40, you know 40 likes, getting 20, 30, 40, you know 40 likes. And so now this you're starting to associate your sense of self-worth with how you look, how you appear in this photo, perhaps even your, you know. Let's say, you have a crush. Now your crush is liking the picture too, like this is how amazing your photo. The first thing that goes through your mind is I was like wow, people are really liking my photo, I need to post more photos. So now you're going out of your way to take similar photos, or maybe go out some more and take more pictures. And now you're posting photos online. But maybe the second time you do it you don't get the same reaction. Now maybe going back to the same 5, 10 likes that you usually get, and your sense of self-worth now has gone down as a result of that.
Laura:It doesn't mean that you're less likable. Perhaps people just they love the way that you look every time, but maybe this time wow, you know, there was a great sunset in the background and they love that. They love the fact that you were on vacation and that you were happy and enjoying yourself. It doesn't necessarily mean that is because you look better or anything like that, but we tend to internalize that feeling and we start to seek that same reaction over and over again. So now you're posting more. Now you're posting things that may want to, and over again. So now you're posting more. Now you're posting things that may want to cause a reaction. Maybe you're wearing less clothes, but again, the point is that you start to associate the amount of likes that you get with your sense of value.
Laura:And that's always a danger, right, that's always dangerous, because we don't really know why people like your picture. We don't really know. Maybe there was a time during the day where everybody was just at home, bored, there was nothing to do, it was a Sunday and they just had the free time to sit around and like pictures, and they saw yours and they liked it. But we tend to internalize the way that we feel with the reactions that we get from other people. We tend to associate that with how we look, how we show ourselves in the world, and that's an assumption, right? It's not necessarily true, unless we go and ask everyone that likes your photo, hey, why did you like my photo? You'll never know.
Laura:So I say this because I don't want us to start to solely depend on these types of validations to believe that we are worth something, and the danger in that is that now, when you look at social media, for example, everybody looks the same. Everybody has the same hair, same eyebrows, sometimes the lashes, the same body. Why? Because they probably saw that there was someone out there who had that same look and they were getting all of this attention, and so now they want that same attention for themselves, but the truth is that and we don't know why you know what I mean. So what causes someone to react to a photo over another doesn't matter.
Laura:We shouldn't be relying on other people to help us feel good. The minute that you start to do that, you're going to feel enslaved to the idea that their opinions, their reactions, are what are keeping you sane, and that's the furthest from the truth. All of that comes from within. All of that comes from you. You should not have to expect. You should be giving yourself grace. There's no way that you can say that how you look, how you appear, how you show up in the world is based on how people perceive or value a photo.
Laura:The more you expect validation via through compliments from others or praise, the more you're going to start to feel like you're in a cage, like you're putting yourself in a cage, where now you're reliant and dependent on all of these things in order for you to feel like you are worth something, and this will eventually take a huge hit on your self-esteem, because it's not something that is sustainable. The minute that you start expecting others to make you feel good about yourself, to make you feel needed, wanted, respected, is the moment that anytime and at any point. When it doesn't happen, then it almost makes you want to spiral, because now you're wondering, you're asking yourself why isn't it happening? What do I need to do in order for me to feel this feeling again? Right, and so I want you to start instead to rely on yourself, to rely on your own self-worth and your own self-esteem, to feel that sense of worth, to feel like you belong, to feel like you have that sense of respect that perhaps you're not getting from somewhere else or from someone else.
Laura:External validation comes in many forms, and one of them is through verbal validation, and one of them is through verbal validation. This is when you ask someone for a favor and they say sure, I'll do it. Or maybe someone is giving you an opinion and you say, yes, I hear you, I understand. There's also the acknowledgement of someone's feelings. So whenever they say I love you and they say I love you back, right, that's a sense of validation. Imagine if you tell someone I love you and they say okay, love you, and they say I love you back, right, that's a sense of validation. Imagine if you tell someone I love you and they say okay, you know, it's obviously not a good feeling. You feel like, okay, well, I guess you don't feel the same way I do. That doesn't make it wrong, but you know it's not the same feeling, right. At the same time, you have unspoken validation, and this is when someone will give you eye contact, perhaps when you speak to them, or maybe when they see you, they give you a hug, they shake your hand. These are all external validations, showing that they acknowledge you, that they see your presence and that they value you in some way or even respect you.
Laura:External validation also looks like allowing someone to speak, allowing someone to express themselves. If you think about people who perhaps don't allow you to do that, they're essentially telling you that they don't care for your opinion, for your thoughts and your feelings. So when you see someone who is pausing and allowing you to speak, allowing you to express how you feel, that's also a sense of validation, because now you feel heard, now you feel seen, and it shows that they respect you. This is a great way to strengthen the bond with someone, because it deepens and it strengthens the level of intimacy that you share by giving yourself permission to be vocal, to be expressive in the ways that are best fit for you. So, whenever you are involved with someone, it's so important to allow yourself the space and the time to express yourselves, never taking things personally, but allowing yourselves to vocalize how you feel, because, at the end of the day, it shows a sense of respect, a sense of care. This is how you end up reducing the level of conflict that happens, because now you're understanding that, hey, your opinion matters, and so does mine. And by allowing ourselves the opportunity to share those is how we better learn to understand each other and to value each other's opinions, despite of how we may feel.
Laura:A healthy dose of external validation is always good for our self-esteem. But what happens when we rely on external validation for everything? We expect our partners to carry the burden of always ensuring that our self-esteem is intact, that we feel worthy, that we feel valued, and, like I mentioned earlier, a lot of that needs to come from within. If we're always relying on someone else or something else to provide that for us, what happens when they pull the plug or they're no longer there? What do we do then? Your insecurities start to creep up, that sense of dependency increases and we feel rejected, even discarded, abandoned.
Laura:Working on ourselves and making sure that we're constantly giving ourselves the validation we need will reduce the need for us to seek that validation from outside sources. At that point, whatever anyone else thinks outside of ourselves won't affect us as much. It will be a big plus. Right, it will feel amazing, but it won't be the only way that we feel amazing. It would be an add-on, and I love that. You feel that I'm amazing too, but I already knew that I was amazing. I already knew that I was someone who deserves love and respect. Your authentic self will thank you as a result, because now it doesn't matter what the world thinks. It doesn't matter how the world sees you or views you. Your authenticity will carry you through and, as a result, you will feel like you are on top of the world, regardless of what anyone thinks of you.
Laura:There are other times, however, where we do have to protect ourselves from relationships that are borderline, toxic, borderline abusive, that end up making us feel unsafe and do more harm than we ever expected. Something that abusive relationships tend to do is make you reliant on their validation. Not only are they feeding you negative validation, you know, knocking down your self-esteem, making you feel worthless, just so they could bring you back up so that they can knock it down again. Right, it's a cycle. They are so dependent on the validation from this abuser or this someone who is not good for them that they almost tend to overlook all of the bad things that happen, just for the sake of getting that dopamine hit, where perhaps 10% of the time they're getting that validation, that they seem to just forget that the other 90% of the time they're being abused, they're being treated unfairly, and so they tend to block that out and solely focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
Laura:Now let me give you some ways that you can help alleviate the need to seek external validation, and the first one is to listen to your inner voice. What is your inner voice telling you? If you start feeling insecure, perhaps inadequate, whenever you're in a certain place or around certain people, ask yourself why that is. Ask yourself what it is that your body or that your sense of self, your self-esteem, is trying to tell you. And give yourself some grace. Tell yourself how great you're doing, how amazing you are and, sure, even if you're not feeling that way, fake it until you make it.
Laura:But the goal here is to stop expecting external validation from outside sources every time, so that whenever you don't receive that, whenever you don't get it, you don't feel like crap. Right, that's the goal. You also have to be kind to yourself. If there are times in which you're not feeling your best self, it's always best to do something that you really enjoy. Focus on your favorite hobby, watch a movie, listen to your favorite song, find ways that could distract you or at least help you refocus on what's important, which is feeling good and not expecting outside validation all the time. Also, start focusing on internal validation instead. What are the things that you value? What gives you a sense of self-worth? Pat yourself on the back, congratulate yourself on your wins, even when nobody does. Did you make your favorite meal without burning the pot, the pots and pans? Hey, that's a win, that's something that you can celebrate. Again.
Laura:The goal here is to eliminate the need to rely on external validation. So, whatever makes you feel good inside, whatever makes you feel like you're amazing, you're worthy, you're valuable, that's what you should be focusing on. And lastly, you have to learn how to set healthy boundaries Knowing when to say no, knowing when something doesn't feel right, shifting that focus on something else, eliminating the people, places and things that make you feel unworthy, that make you feel disrespected. That will help you erase that the need to constantly seek external validation. Once you surround yourself with people who are loving and caring, who are there to support you, to provide you with love and care, to give you that essential need to belong, that's when you're going to start to feel your best. That's when you're going to start to know that I'm on the right track. This is the life path that I should be on.
Laura:And as long as you're around toxicity, as long as you're around negativity, as long as you're around disrespect, you're always going to feel like you need an extra boost of validation.
Laura:So, in the meantime, set those boundaries, take care of yourself, practice self-care and remember your authentic self will thank you for it, and knowing your worth is half the battle.
Laura:In closing, I would love to recommend that, whenever you have some time, to create a mood board that describes and provides you with all of the wonderful things that you've accomplished, that you've achieved, and post it on a wall somewhere, so that every time or any time that you feel that you're not good enough that your worth is lesser than that you feel invalidated. Take a look at it. Create a me wall where you can always look up to or admire anytime that you're feeling icky, that you're feeling upset, that you're feeling insecure maybe you had a bad day. Get in the habit of always having something to go back to whenever you're not feeling your best self and, with time, you won't even consider the opinions of others, because the opinions of others are not as valuable as your own.
Laura:Thank you for listening to the Main Allure podcast. I appreciate you for listening. Don't forget to like, share and subscribe, and until next week, bye.
