Ep. 2 | Decoding Your Identity Through Self-Awareness

Join Laura as she decodes what it means to have an identity or many identities, and how that impacts the way we interact with the world.

🎶 Erykah Badu - Didn't Cha Know

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Welcome to Domain of Laura podcast with your host, Laura. In today's episode, I want to discuss the concept of having an identity or many identities, what that means, how it influences our everyday decisions and our life path over time. Having an identity is unlike our DNA is something that could be changed and evolved over time. When you think of your DNA, it serves mostly as a blueprint or an imprint of who you are. I want you to think about what it means to have an identity. If I asked you now, you know, what is your identity? Who are you in a sense? What would you tell me? Your answer could be influenced perhaps by where you're sitting right now, or even the people that you're surrounded with at the time. We're first introduced to the concept of identity when we're very young, perhaps as young adults. And this is the time where you begin to explore who you really are. If you notice, maybe when you think back to when you were younger, or if you are young, you start to notice how you're changing things about yourself. It could be the way you do your hair, the way you dress. how you speak, the music you listen to, and even the people that you surround yourself with. If you're a parent concerned about these things, don't fret because it's pretty normal. This is when your teenagers or young adults are trying to figure out what is their place in the world and where do they belong. Your personal identity is who you are when no one is looking. So These are mostly associated with your hobbies, your interests. If you like to read, maybe you like to dance, to cook. You can also think about your personality. Maybe you feel that you're a little bit shy, a little bit more on the introverted side, or if you're an extrovert. These are all things that are tied to your personal identity. When people think of astrology, right? People ask like, hey, what's your zodiac sign? They kind of get a glimpse of what your personal profile is based on these specific traits. Your social identity, on the other hand, is how society portrays you by identifying you to certain either groups, whether in groups or out of groups. And it usually requires you to have a sense of membership or belonging. So think about when you go to college or when you join the military, if you're playing sports, right? These are all things that you either have to test for or apply for in order to have some form of access to it. Even with family, you either You either have to marry into a family or you're born into a family. And I would say that this identity is one that has the most influence on yourself, on your life path, because there's definitely a lot of pressure or influence that comes from those groups. It could affect where you live, who you live with, even your routine, even your diet. Of course, there are certain groups that require certain types of access. So maybe talent, skill. For example, if I wanted to join the WNBA at 5'2", they would probably look at me and laugh, right? First, I have to make sure that I pass all the tryouts and they would probably look at me and laugh and say, you know, get out of here. You don't qualify. Think of imposter syndrome, right? Whenever somebody is introduced to a new identity, oftentimes they tend to go through this feeling that they don't belong. And so remember what I said earlier, social identities are feeling that sense of belonging and membership into a group. Oftentimes you feel that sense of imposter syndrome because maybe the people in those groups, maybe they don't look like you, they don't act like you. And so you start to feel that anxiety that comes with imposter syndrome. And as a result, you start to question, do I belong here is this where I'm supposed to be remember this is only happening because you're probably new to that space and you're becoming more accustomed to that new identity you are getting comfortable with that new identity and with time and with experience which is why people once they have all the experience and they feel at ease where they are that imposter syndrome tends to dissipate When you think of people who are super competitive or overachievers, oftentimes they tend to kind of move the goalpost of what their identity should be. They see these higher roles, higher titles, and as a result, they're always chasing that high of, you know, what's next? What do I want to do next? What can I achieve? What else can I do? And for some, reaching that level of access that no one can achieve is thrilling for them. It's exciting, but there's also that danger How much is enough? How much more do you need to achieve in order to feel successful, in order to be happy, in order to feel fulfilled? Now, I want you to ask yourself how much of that is because you want to follow those dreams or is it a matter of someone else making those decisions for you? And I don't mean when you're a kid, when your parents are telling you what to do, but more so are the dreams that you're following more aligned with your authentic self or are these dreams that are aligned with the people that you're around? And that could be your family. peer pressure from your friends, etc. Oftentimes, we don't realize that we make decisions in our lives that are tied to our identity, but they're mostly driven by someone else that is not us. Think of some cultures where the parents are the ones who decide who you marry or what type of career you're going to have. You know, hey, you're going to be a doctor when you graduate college, and there's no ifs, ands, or buts in that sentence. How often do you stop and think, is this something that I want to do for myself or is that something that someone else wants for me? And how often do we allow those influences to take over our lives? The last thing that I would hope happens to any of you is having that sense of regret about And this reminds me of, and I've seen this on social media, where people who are in their last days are asked, what are the things that you regret? What would you change about your life if you could do it all over? And many of them would say, well, I regret not spending time with friends. I regret chasing a career, right, all my entire life. All I did was work. Maybe I wish I could have told someone I love them, right? Like there are so many things that... lead us back to think of what led to us not following our true authentic needs. And a lot of the times it is because of those identities that we take on. So I want you to reflect a little bit on that and list all of those identities that you have of yourself. You know, ask yourself, are these identities the ones I wanted for me? And if so, do I want to change them? Maybe you're happy with them, which would be amazing. But maybe you're not. Maybe you're just going down this, and I call this manufactured life, or at least identity or life path, because you're stuck in this path that was not necessarily your own. And one of those examples, if you think about it, is when you hear the saying, keeping up with the Joneses. Why do we feel that we need to keep up with the Joneses? Is our life supposed to be what everyone else's life is like? And oftentimes it's not. When I look at my life, for example, I definitely grew up trying to do everything the right way. If you think of the right way, it's usually go to college, get married, have children, buy the house. But that doesn't always work that way. I am divorced now. I do have a child. But overall, my life is pretty great. I don't have that sense of regret because I already did what society expected me to do. I didn't graduate college, for example, when everyone else graduated college. I actually graduated college 20 years later. So there is no shame in that. But I did it, right? Like it wasn't necessarily the same path that everyone else followed, but I still feel like I didn't miss a beat. So I want you to think about that. There is no right or wrong way to do life. Some people may want to not go to college at all and just travel the world. Again, this is one life that you live and you have who knows how long to live it. Sit down sometimes and reflect on that and think, well, if this is the one life that I have, how do I want to spend it? Is the life that I'm living right now my own or am I living this for someone else or to make someone else happy, which is fine. But at the end of the day, we all have free will. You have to understand that you're going to have to live with those choices. This is why you see people when they reach their 40s and 50s and they have this midlife crisis or identity crisis because they have been kind of going on cruise control, if you can say, just doing everything right, doing what they're supposed to do. And in the end, they real that this is not really the direction that they wanted to take. So they start acting out and doing reckless things that may seem crazy for others because it's out of their character. But they're kind of going back to like those teenage years where they were trying to explore their identity and trying to figure out who they were. It may be just a phase, but for some, it's not, right? Like they completely changed their life and move on to something else. I do want to caution you though that there is the danger in going about the world and not picking an identity. Our identities give us a sense of purpose and it leads us to feeling fulfilled. And as long as you're following your authentic needs and being genuine with yourself and being real and understanding which identities are more aligned with you, then you will be great. But there are times where people just don't know necessarily where they want to go, what they want to do. And they stay in this constant loop where they're trying to figure themselves out. And the danger in that is that they don't pick one per se, and instead they seek comfort or they seek soothing methods to make themselves feel better. It could be drinking alcohol or doing drugs or engaging in other reckless behavior. And it's a result of feeling that sense of anxiety and often depression that could make you feel uncertain and unsure about where you're Something that most people may not even realize is how susceptible we are to being victims of violence. Let's say hate groups or even cults. These groups tend to target people who are in vulnerable situations. So maybe you've been isolated. You know, you live alone somewhere where you have no family. Maybe you went through a breakup. There is something that has shaken your identity in some way. And these groups tend to quickly identify who you are based on those specific situations. Think about it. There are times when you get these texts, right, of like somebody being super flirty with you or very friendly, right? And what they're doing is like they're fishing. They're fishing to see how lonely you really are so that they can go in and just grab you by the horns and feed you whatever it is that they need to feed you so that they could either scam you or take advantage of you somehow. And unfortunately, some of them are hate groups or cults. This is why it's so important to be authentic and really dig in and get to know yourself really well. People won't be able to break you. These groups understand just how much of a need it is for you to belong. Like I mentioned in the beginning, there's a sense of belonging when you join these social groups. And these groups know exactly what they're doing. They know how to make you feel happier again, how to make you feel seen, heard, right? You have typically a common denominator, right? Like you probably hate the same things because you're going through something. And they exploit that in order for them to get what they want. If you feel that you need to join or become a member of a hate group of any sort, ask yourself, really, why? Why do I feel like this is resonating with me? Is it really that these groups are who I am? Oftentimes, it's not. You're probably going through something. Again, your identity has been shaken somehow, and you need to dig deep and figure out why. Anytime you're feeling anger, fear, a sense of dread, sadness, you know, you're more than likely to fall victim to one of these hate groups. Pay attention to that next time you're feeling some type of way and you start to look for these things to soothe you or at least to help you escape from that sense of exploration, that time when you need to explore your identity and understand who you really are within. And I think the solution for that, if you're feeling that way, is sit down and just really focus on figuring out what you want out of life. You may not necessarily know what that is, but try a few things. If you haven't been to college, take some classes. You don't have to go to a top 10 or anything like that. Go to community college and start there. Start small, taking those small steps and figuring out what it is that you want out of life. Are you happy in the town that you live in? Perhaps try living somewhere else. This is when you see people pick up and move to LA or New York from a very small town because they realize that where they are is not where they're supposed to be. That doesn't mean that they can't come back and pick up where they left off. It's just a way for you to understand that nothing is set in stone. We can always change what we want to do with our lives. We can always adjust. Maybe there are things that work out. Maybe there are things that won't. With trial and error, you tend to understand and figure out what are the things that I really care about? What drives me? What am I passionate about? I know it sounds cheesy, but listen to your heart. How often do you listen to your heart? Now, of course, if you're going to engage in horrible behavior, I will tell you, cut it out. Don't go there. But think about that. What is going to make you genuinely happy? And go from there. Start there. I mean, how often have we heard of celebrities or people who have achieved great success, right? And there's always that one person who tells them, you're crazy. Why would you do that? You're never going to succeed. Just go back to what you were doing. It's a crazy dream of yours. And then when you look years later, right, these people are super successful. They have achieved greatness because they didn't listen to outer influences. They focused on understanding who they are, listening to their heart, being genuine with what it is that they care about and what drives them and what makes them passionate about their dreams. And they stuck with it. This is how I want you to think when you're making these decisions. It's okay to seek guidance from others, but the minute that people start being negative about your choices and what are you going to achieve, then it's time to shut it out and just focus on yourself. This is why sometimes people tell you, okay, don't tell anybody your plans or your dreams, because there's always going to be that one person or two that are going to dampen them and make you feel like you're crazy. Sometimes people tend to project their insecurities and limitations onto you. So don't worry about that. Don't listen to people who haven't tried at least to experience or achieve the things that you want to do. Keep going and continue to try to make yourself better, to make yourself a better person every day. If the people you surround yourself with do not understand your life path, then perhaps find a new circle. This is why people try to find those inner groups that align with their dreams that have similar interests. Because at the end of the day, you have things in common. You have similar dreams. And those who are not aligned with you will more than likely fall by the wayside. There are so many times in which we end up sticking with situations and places and people that end up keeping us stuck. And the reason for that is that they're not thinking about their lives in the same way that you're thinking about yours. And it doesn't mean that they're wrong or that you're wrong, but sometimes that could cause friction between friends, between family. And it's one of those decisions that you have to make for yourself in order to understand what it is that is going to make the most sense to you. When someone you encounter tries to dissuade you from making certain decisions and going down a certain life path, then it's time to question that, especially if that's something that you really want for yourself or if it's a dream that you've been trying to achieve. Why would someone try to tell me that I cannot pursue something when it is literally something that I think about all the time and I'm excited for? Do not let anyone dissuade you from following the life path that you want. At the end of the day, it is your life and no one else's. So for homework, and yes, I would like to leave you a little homework here and there. I would love for you to get a piece of paper, make a list of what are the different identities that you portray or take on and could be based on your family, your social influences, et cetera, your cultural influences, and then decide how many of those identities are a part of you. How many of those identities are a representation of who you are? If they're not, then make some changes. It is okay to make changes. Remember, your identity is not your DNA. It is not something that you cannot change. It is something that is fluid that you can reflect and make adjustments on. You can go from being a nurse today and then decide that you want to be a teacher tomorrow, right? These are identities that you can change. You can decide that you want to live in a different state or that you want to change your health habits. These are things that you can change, that you can adjust. Nothing is set in stone. As long as you're doing this with the intention to be happy and genuine, it will make your life so much better because it takes time. Take some time and reflect on that this week. And I promise you that you're going to feel a little better. And at least it will show you where to start making improvements if that's what you feel you need. With that, thank you so much for listening to The Mandalore. I appreciate you. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe. I'm happy that you're here. And until next week, bye.